Discouraged, I thought, “I wish I could afford to go to therapy.” The grief over my last miscarriage and my pet’s illnesses weighed heavy on me. Further, for the past nine years, I had experienced one early pregnancy loss after another. Tired of leaning on my husband and friends for support, I largely dealt with my grief on my own.
Within days of crying out to the Universe for help, I received an auspicious e-mail in my inbox announcing…”A New Mourning: Healing after Pregnancy Loss Therapy Group offered at NO COST.” I was astounded! Soon after, more offers for free healing were made…a massage given by an energy worker who specializes in grief and loss; a healing session with an intuitive friend who channels and does body work; three healing sessions with a Reiki master and Re-connective healer; a Watsu water therapy session.
Once I made the commitment to heal my grief, the doors opened and I was supported in ways I could have never imagined. But, not only did I need to be willing to reach out for support, I also needed to be willing to receive it. When I met with each healer, I consciously said to myself, “Open your heart and receive.” As a therapist and healer myself, it had always been challenging for me to be on the other end of receiving.
With each healing session and therapy group, I experienced deep emotional release. Hidden feelings like anger, bitterness and shame surfaced from places I had no idea existed. I worked through emotions of hatred towards my body for not doing what I wanted it to do. In my first therapy group, the facilitator suggested we flow write from the prompt, “What I lost is…”
I was surprised to learn that one of the things I was grieving most was the predictability of life. My experience of pregnancy loss had taught me that life was unpredictable and I had very little control. Like a child having a temper tantrum, I released my anger and frustration and surrendered more deeply into the abyss of the unknown.
Allowing these painful feelings and emotions to surface, I felt raw and vulnerable, unable to find my center. Like being in the middle of a storm, dark clouds overhead, rain blocking my view, I also felt fearful and uncertain. Emerging from the storm, like a butterfly emerges transformed from its cocoon, I am finding my new center, one that is stronger, wiser and more trusting of life. With more room in my heart, I am better able to receive the richness and blessings all around me.
It takes great courage to emerge from the cocoon after the storm, as we are faced with letting go of our comfort zone and stepping into the unknown. We may ask, “Who am I?” No longer a chrysalis, but a beautiful butterfly, we need to find our new wings so we can fly.